VENTING

Sometimes, I think my mind is just going to explode.  I just told a friend that for the first time in my life, I actually understand why people turn to drugs.  There have been days that do everything except just overtake my body.

Today, we finally received great news about Dustin's job situation.  He is officially an employee at Chase.  He will have awesome benefits and almost unlimited growth potential.  Wouldn't you know it, a leasing agent from my apartment complex corners me at the stairs and starts to yell at me.  She said, "YOU AGAIN?!"  I really couldn't believe what was happening.  My dogs were out and not on a leash, but I have never received previous warning or anything of that nature.  Not to mention, I live in the BACK of the complex with very little activity AND I had an infant and diaper bag on my hip.  I mean, really?

Sometimes, I wonder if there is a target on my forehead.  Sometimes, I wonder if God is trying to refine my character or trying to train me for something.  Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands up on having any hope at all on the human race.

Many of you know what I have been going through, which only compounds the episode that I experienced today.

I keep trying to tell myself that we had great news today..we had an excellent time with friends..and I have a wonderful family.  I am grateful for the good in my life.

I wonder if it is okay that I slowly begin to chat less and less to the clerks at Starbucks and suddenly look down passing a stranger rather than speak to them.?  I wonder if anyone has any moral fiber anymore.  I wonder what it is that I will do next that will cause someone else to pounce on me.  I wonder if this heightened sensitivity will last forever.  I wonder if I could really feel relief if I went through the PAIN of just expressing all of this to God.? I also wonder if the outgoing and bubbly "Jenna" will ever come back.? Is this part of growing up?.

Well, here I am venting out things that I feel can really only come out through writing.  Thanks for being there.  Whether it is just me who reads this or others that can possibly relate and feel an ounce of gratitude that he/she may not be the only one experiencing frustration.

So..at the end of this, I know ONE thing that I want.  I want to know how to stand up for myself the right way.  I'm tired of being the one everyone knows they can get something from.  My message is this....I AM NOT YOUR DOORMAT....I AM NOT YOUR OUTLET FOR YOUR BAD DAY....I AM NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH GAMES AND SILLINESS - SHOOT IT STRAIGHT OR MOVE ON.