Rest

It's absolutely insane what my body and spirit have experienced within the last week.  I've experienced such joy and brokenness within this period of time.  I battle with writing this out, because I honestly don't know what this post will even look like at the end.

I've experienced my husband finally finding the right path to take in ministry.  He is beyond equipped and called into evangelism.  God told me I would marry an evangelist at YOUTH camp many years ago.  When I met Dustin, he began telling me more about himself through his calling to be an evangelist.  It's a miracle that we are right at the "welcome mat" of this arena of ministry considering we both had no idea what evangelism really meant.  It was one of those things God had to tell you to do because only He knew what you would be and become years later.

Just for us to get to this place in our lives, we have dealt with disappointment and regret and doubt along with many other things.  I've had to give up on opportunities that would have catapulted me into an area of ministry that I enjoy very much.  I've had to deal with the fact that I will no longer be as much of a part in people's lives that have meant the WORLD to me.  I've gone through territory that I never thought I would be in, such as giving up my career and being a full time mom.  Every day, I learn what this means and how much I have to learn.  God continues to trim off the fatty edges of my life....and it is most of the time so close to the meat of who I am that I gasp for air as I feel the control of my own life slipping through my fingers.  I'm often underestimated or misunderstood for my convictions that are more often than not too much for people to understand.

I'm sure the previous paragraph is choppy and all over the place, but as I write, I consistently see an image of young woman being prepared as though time is not on her side.  So often, I want the preparation and grooming roles to be MINE.  Where would I be if I were in charge?  Where would any of us be if we decided to cut our own hair or diagnose our own bodies?  Sometimes, I'm running around like a crazy woman when I should just sit down in the chair and let God groom me.  I want to sit in HIS chair.  I want to look like what he wants me to look like.  The beauty of this is that His finished product of me will always be the best.

So as much pain and separation I've had to endure, I'm okay sitting in Papa's chair.  His chair is FOR my good.  I have a promise to cling to when EVERYTHING else slips through my fingers.  The answers to my prayers aren't as important as I thought they were before.  The greatest prayer concerns we could ever have are ALREADY answered.  My name is in THE book.  His promises to me are to prosper me and He takes care of me and knows the number of hairs on my head.  I've never gone hungry or begged for bread.  His love has taken me to depths this body will never comprehend.  He saved me....so, I'll THANK him when my soul is weary and tired and my brain hurts from analyzing possible missed opportunities and relationships.

I'm standing in my faith and leaning on Jesus.

CANCER

It's been such a long time since I have had the time and/or the energy to blog.  I can hardly remember what life was like  before having Kindle Elisabeth!  Anywho, I have something flaming on the inside of me that has to get out.

The other night, I walked outside on my patio to watch a lightning storm.  It was so beautiful!  While I was outside, God began breaking me for each of the women that I have come across that have cancer.  These precious women have been reached through the ministry that I am involved with called The White Rose Movement. If you aren't a fan of their page on facebook, I highly recommend it.

Anyways, God began putting these courageous women on my heart.  As I began praying against this devastating disease, God began to show me that there is a cancer that is more widespread and even deadlier than the kind these women are facing.  I have neighbors and loved ones that have this cancer in their spirit.  There is a disease spreading with each passing moment and most people who have it are not even aware or diagnosed.  This type of cancer is WILLFUL separation from God.  Willful separation spreads through the soul and devours a person from the inside out....eternally.

After God began to show me His view of this, my burden for these women was a little lighter as God has become their Savior.  What can man or disease do to a soul that will have an eternal reward with Jesus.  Don't get me wrong,  I am not underestimating that severity of cancer of the body.

My point is that I walked outside to find a burden for these ladies battling a disease of the body.  I walked inside with a burden for countless people being consumed by a disease of the soul.  The true tragedy here is that there is a cure for the second condition.  His name is Jesus and He is passionately awaiting them as His touch can make them whole.  If God can save a soul through His son, isn't that the greatest healing of all?...Then why do I find myself so faithLESS sometimes when it comes to  healing for those battling an illness? 

I still pray for these beautiful women as they face the battle of their earthly lives. They continue to follow Jesus and have such a hopeful outlook on the future. Please pray for them as you feel lead.

Thank you for hearing my heart tonight.

Behind the Scenes

I'm low on inspiration; however, I am full of many other things!  I am updating the blog to just let go of all the words trapped in my head and heart.  Sometimes, the greatest statements I make come AFTER I begin to put them on paper. 

It's been a very difficult road for about the past couple of months. Each day is full of pain and discomfort to a very high degree. I know I have grown in the area of pain and discomfort, because I don't necessarily see this as altogether a bad thing.  I know there will be endless rewards and unimaginative surprises at the end of this journey.  It's funny to me that I can get around a few people and turn into Wonder Woman....only to end the afternoon crying my eyes out and in intense pain.

The pain in this pregnancy has literally been the worst pain I have had in my entire life!  It's difficult to say and admit sometimes that my days are just ROUGH!  It's like a sting in my soul each time a coworker asks me how I'm doing.  If you know me at all, you know I'm not gonna put on a mask and say, "wonderful!."  Why does it feel so bad sometimes to just say that your day/week is stinky?  Perhaps, I have been a part of a worldly movement that pushes raw and unpleasant emotion to the side for the sake of being likable to others.  Come to think of it, I'd like for more people to be transparent about things that seem to overtake the good in life...I'd love to be made aware of the needs of the people around me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's okay to be a "Debbie Downer."  I'm just saying that I'd like to create an environment for the people around me, no matter the depth of our relationship, to feel comfortable enough to admit troubles.  My doctor hugged me today and I laid my head on his shoulder.  He gave me a few words of affirmation.  That is all he did, and you know what?.....It touched me to the core to have a caring embrace without having to listen to advice, etc.

Maybe, I am just a sensitive person.  Maybe you say this is too close for comfort.  Maybe, it would be a better place with less depression and oppression if we felt like we could be real in the small moments when we pass each other at work, in the grocery store, and at church.  Don't you sometimes just get tired of passing people in hallways only to say, "hi, how are you," only to get back a "great, how are you?"  I mean really...we don't even slow down because we have become that predictable in "politely" keeping our troubles quiet. I'd rather pass someone and just start telling them hello or pay them a quick compliment.

I want to be a hug when someone needs it.  I want to be an ear with loving eyes when someone doesn't need a similar story or advice.  I want to be the voice of prayer when someone is at a loss for words.  I want those around me to feel swaddled when they feel so exposed to the world that their whole existence is callused and hard.  I want the world to be a better place.  Perhaps, in this place, people will see and experience the love of God.  I imagine this to be a blissful place.

One thing I have found so freeing is to just be myself.  I've grown up believing that I need to filter EVERYTHING I say and do....lest it come back around to bite me.  Lately, I've been saying and doing what comes naturally from Jenna.  It's working out great.  This is something my husband models almost with perfection.  It may sometimes be easy to find small areas of correction, but his heart is always open and his thoughts are always truly felt.  The beauty of this is that when you see the areas in his life that are super great, they REALLY ARE SUPER GREAT because everything that leaks out of him is truly felt.  I just love him. :)

Faithfulness

"A faith that does not result in faithfulness is fraudulent."

That's a pretty nice beginner, eh?  I have been bombarded with a message of faith and success and how closely they are related within the past week.  Radio preaching, personal time, instant access on faith scriptures as my bible swings open to the exact page God wants me to read.  His word is really nothing short of letters to me.  Isn't that beautiful?

I was just thinking about how beautiful is the life lead in faith.  All of the things I treasure most has been found through intimate persuit of God.  I was in search of a fresh word on the front right side of my home church sanctuary....I found direction to Master's Commission that was vital to my spiritual walk. I was in search of God through a bible study...found my husband there. I was in search of God's face in a worship service after seeking knowledge of spiritual warfare through Rebecca Greenwood....I found Kindle Elisabeth through my ears and eyes as direction that confirmed what He spoke years earlier.  I have always received as much of God as I have persued....always!  I want more. 

As I was in my quiet time, I could hear the Holy Spirit saying, "The Father is looking for faithfulness."  I believe we are in a day that the Lord is literally searching and looking for a heart that is FULLY His. 

I would say that we are in a land and a time that is much like what Jeremiah saw:  "Road through the streets of Jerusalem.  Look and take note; search in her squares.  If you find a single person, anyONE who acts justly, who seeks to be FAITHFUL, then I will forgive her."  This is amazing to me!  I believe this is a word for TODAY. 

There are so many lies out there to flatter us into thinking that a faithful life abides in good intentions and a positive moral attitude.  It's time to understand what God is searching for and what He wants to find in me.  Jeremiah 4 lets me know that a life/land is blessed or cursed based on the statement, "if you...." That's me!...not God.  His will is blessing. He's not sitting up there waving a rod of immaculate intervention to turn some sorrows into good.  He's passionately waiting to find a heart that is faithful.  That's all.
Jeremiah 4 - "If you return to Me, if YOU remove your destestible idols from my Prescence and do not waver, if YOU swear, as the Lord lives, in truth, in justice and in righteousness, then the nations(me) will be blessed by Him and will pride themselves in Him."

I just marvel at the beauty that I will pride myself in what He will do when He finds those qualities that truely define faithfulness. 

Who can be found faithful in heart, thoughts, money, persuits, relationships, battles, victories?...I desperately wanna be!  I wanna be found on a mission field or in a van full of criminals or in a brothel full of women seeking love or in my living room fostering the gifts within my sweet daughter, Kindle.  I wanna be found with the discipline to see beyond a rough moment to recognize that a life of faithfulness will result in eternal significance.  We always seem to be aware when people are watching us, I wanna wake up with the reality each morning that God is watching...I want Him to take delight in me.  I want Him to be blessed by me.  I yearn for His heart to be captivated by my life.  I long for Him to know that my life is a place where He can come and release Himself. 

I love that all this talk of faithfulness is just that....believing what I cannot see....a life full of faith.  I believe in all these things lie true success.  So long luke warmness with good intentions and a fake smile. 

Not Mine to Start With

If I were to sit and use the blog as a journal to record all of what I have experienced as a pregnant woman, I am afraid I would begin to feel a bit of embarassment and shame.  I have had almost every symptom known to man along with my own natural tendancies to put way too much pressure on myself to measure up to whatever image of perfection that I have built up in my mind.

There have been days where I honestly didn't know myself.  I didn't know what I wanted or even who I was.  I specifically remember looking at a picture and bursting into tears.  I just couldn't get over the fact that I didn't even recognize the woman in the picture! I couldn't even remember what it felt like to be in a right frame of mind all of the time.  What did it feel like to only have to think of myself?  What did it feel like to have a zipper on my pants or to wear my wedding ring?  Most of all, what did it feel like for my husband to look at me without wondering what lines he could or could not cross.

So, all in all I have come to many low points with this pregnancy.  Thankfully, I serve a God that loves me so much that He made a way out for me. 

My church had an earth-shattering conference with Corey Russell a couple of weeks ago.  I was super excited about being there; however, my body was just limp with exhaustion.  I was so disappointed by the end because I felt like I got nothing out of it like I felt like I should have.  Thankfully, I returned the next weekend only to have found God's prescence stronger than I had ever felt.

As I laid on the floor during worship, God gave me a vision.  This is one of the only visions I have ever had where I heard God almost narrating what was happening.  To make a long story short, He showed me the beauty that was waiting to be uncovered for this pregnancy.  I saw a beautiful woman kneeling down to place her baby at the river.  This was the mother of Moses.  As she released him, I immediately turned into her and began to dance freely with such peace.

As you know, Moses's mother was an Israelite at the time of his birth.  She hid him for three months, but the pharoh's had orders to kill all male children.  In what must have seemed like a tragic situation with no options, she placed her baby at the edge of the river only for the pharaoh's daughter to eventually find him.  This was his only chance of survival.

God showed me that my only chance for survival was to lay this pregnancy and baby down at the river.  I closed my eyes and with everything within me, released this baby into the current of the Holy Spirit.  I don't want control over this.  It was God who gave her to me, it will be His kingdom to care for her. 

As I have pondered this mind-altering experience, I have found this to be such a lesson for anything we are battling.  Whatever it is, God wants us to lay it down to be found by Him.  He wants us to be able to dance in the face of the pharoh's orders.  He wants us joyful when life seems to be choked.  He wants us to experience fruit like that of Moses's life as we give it up.  If his mother had held on and chosen to fight, her son's fate would have surely been death.  It is the same for anything else.  Sometimes fighting isn't the answer.  Sometimes lettting go is.  Sometimes we go against the natural order of the promise.....Are we fighting because that's what we've done in the past? Are we doing what comes naturally or what makes us feel better?  He promises victory and peace; therefore, why are we so afraid and stubborn to let it go?....

Lastly, one of the most beautiful aspects of the story is that his mother had no idea that in letting go, she would be a huge part of delivering her people out of Egypt.  Her surrender would also lead to the parting of the Red Sea.  This inspires me to so to go for it all. I want to fight when it's time to fight, let go when it's time to let go, and stand when there is nothing left.  My heart's desire is to do this even when I don't have forseeable fruit beyond it.  If my surrender produces an uproar and mighty deliverance, so be it.  If my surrender produces nothing but a consecrated heart to Christ, then the effort is well spent.

My sweet Kindle Elisabeth will know her Maker.  She will know Him because she has been laid down at the foot of the river for God to raise.  Her middle name means, "my God is a promise".  I know there is no safer place for her.  Within my own grip, she is in danger.

I hope this has been effectively communicated as it is difficult to put into words the passions of your heart.  I know since this experience, my pregnancy has gone so smoothly.  I am calmer and I feel peace within my womb that I didn't always have.  I have traded ashes in for beauty at the direction of God.  I'm so glad He gives correction to me.  What love!?!

Enjoy the Journey

I realized one major difference today between me and the world.  One follows a voice of self-determination, one follows the voice and direction of God.  I think the major difference between the two, is that one guaruntees invaluable experiences and relationship with no regrets....the other provides temporary peace of mind, knowing that as long as the world continues the way they think it should, their futures will be secure.

I made a decision to follow the voice of God a long time ago.  No matter what this world turns toward, my past, present, and future rest in the hands of God.  A life in persuit of possessions and popularity may provide things, but it never allows you to live in peace without any regrets. 

As I look at the fruit that this deliberate path has produced, I see:
-a roomate we not only have lived with but have made a difference in , a priceless and lifelong relationship
-countless men that still to this day call Dustin when life is difficult and easy
-at least four people that we will love and fellowship with till the day we die
-so far, at least100 little faces that God had put in my path to give direction, and in some cases, mentorship
-visions and lessons that allow me to be a person people come to for help
-broken relationships with family restored and unhealthy ties broken
-classes and people who have not only led me, but taught me in the ways of spiritual warfare, etc..
-a relationship that has gone from a friendship to a love that only God could have made
-most importantly, a future that will continue to glorify the King instead of my own flesh.

My path is deliberate.  My path is sometimes difficult.  My path isn't traveled often.  Howevever, I'm around people that have been there and have given me a glimpse of the price.  I'm surrounded by those trailblazers that all christians want to be like, but few are willing to pay the price.  I'm surrounded by them on purpose....I want to be one of those.

I wrote in the baby book just tonight about this life lesson.  I include things I want Kindle to know.  I want her to look around wherever she is and know that our life may not be full of things, but it is full of God and it is on purpose!  This is from the baby book, "Our path is divine....The world pushes us to a destination, but Daddy God focuses on the journey."  Thank goodness.  I could achieve material things and have the world look at me differently; however, I know that when those things happen, I will have gotten there from enjoying the journey and walking through invaluable experiences and lessons.  I will enjoy the journey.

My hubby just took a picture of this painting I did a while back.  I know the quality of the picture isn't great, but I know walking by it and reading it is such a good reminder for me. 

I am proud of my decisions, lifestyle, and accomplishments b/c they have all come from God.  Like I said, I made a decision a long time ago...I'm gonna follow Jesus, no matter what.

Valley

Luke 3:5 - Every valley shall be filled, and every mountain and hill shall be brought low; and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough ways [shall be] made smooth.

I was thinking about valleys.  We always describe the seasons of our lives to valleys and mountaintops.  However, I have never pondered the significance of the valley.

The mountains and hills give you vision into the land; however, in a valley, you find the necessities.  In a valley, you find riverbeds with endless food supplies.  Not only do the fish live there but most animals live closest to the source of water and safety that the valley provides.  The valley normally also contains the most vegitation.  The valley is also the place where everything from the mountains gravitate.  The valley contains a collection of all that the mountains once contained.

Where would you wanna build a house? Your shelter?....I want to be in the valley.  Life isn't about staying on the mountaintop.  It's about resting in the shadow of the almighty and drinking from the River that never runs dry.  I will search in the depths of the earth and will be found content.

I was gonna paste some pretty rad pictures of valley's but they have this copyright thing!  Google if you have time, it changed my perspective about the reality of everyday life as a christian.