Keep it Clean

As I was praying today, I felt the Holy Spirit guiding me through the dark places of my heart.  The places that embrace bitterness and unforgiveness as well as selfishness and want.

Here is my findings through prayer and meditation:

-It is vital for me to keep my wounds clean.  As with a wound to my physical body, I must provide attention to it.  It is prone to infection the more it is left unattended.  When those dark places in my heart are left unattended, they will become infected and won't heal....In some cases, infection can be deadly.  I can't imagine how many people have turned from faith because wounds left with flesh eating bacteria had gone unattended too long.

Lord, help me to keep my wounds clean.  Give me grace to scrub away the deadness and let your healing balm spread over my wounds without resistance.  I open myself to your care, trusting You to make me whole again.


-I need a taste for the beauty of Christ.  My faith will grow when I find The Treasure - God.  I believe I am left in want when I place my happiness in a new home or in material things or perhaps even in prestige.  Jesus came that we would come to know the Father.  When I find him, my tastes change and the things that I loved in darkness become stale and bland in comparison to the riches of God's perfect love in my life.

God, I place my whole life in your hands.  I seek Your presence first and foremost, knowing that the finest home and earthly riches would still leave me in want.  There is nothing that can fill the place in my heart that You inhabit.  I make it a priority to ensure that nothing tries invade that place in my life.


-I've been on a quest for wisdom for my family and me for a long while.  As I was praying, I thought of the ants and immediately went to Proverbs 30:25.  It says, "The ants are not a strong people, yet they prepare their meat in summer."  As I looked at this verse in commentaries and in it's context, I find that to prepare means for us to establish ourselves for the future.  In the Hebrew, it also says that meat refers to our bread.  I find it so enlightening to find that to be establish also refers to becoming respected in industry.

Thank You, God, that You gives us a healthy balance for the desires of our heart.  Even though I forsake this world's riches to follow You, I find wisdom through preparing and praying for our future.  I am believing for big things that Satan would easily want me to confuse with selfish wants and ambitions.  Through Your Word, I set it back up straight.  As we (Dustin and me) devote our lives to holiness, we ask for Your grace to establish us in this world but not of this world.  Thank You, for bringing balance and clarity to my heart.

FORGIVENESS

Father,

Did you see what he did and said about me?  He was full of accusation and spite.  Does it matter that I did everything to make it right and to remain objective?  Persecution seems to follow me and hides behind every corner.  Is this what our sinful nature makes of us?  For I was technically a part of the crowd that condemned you and crucified your Son.

What did Jesus do?.....He prayed for them and made a way for them to escape eternal damnation.  But that was Him and this is me.  This guy wronged me and discredited my name.  I can't just let him get away with it, can I?....

OK, this heart of stone I submit under the workings of the cross, trusting You will make it a heart of flesh...sensitive to my brother's current condition.

I imagine through this somehow my heart will connect with Your heart, just as Jesus' did.

I realize this isn't taking the high road....It is, in fact, a low road paved with the discomfort of self-sacrifice and self-denial!  It isn't comfortable or convenient, but through Your infinite graces, I know it leads to the BEST destination.

Vindication belongs to You, my Father, who takes great care of his kids.

-Amen

VENTING

Sometimes, I think my mind is just going to explode.  I just told a friend that for the first time in my life, I actually understand why people turn to drugs.  There have been days that do everything except just overtake my body.

Today, we finally received great news about Dustin's job situation.  He is officially an employee at Chase.  He will have awesome benefits and almost unlimited growth potential.  Wouldn't you know it, a leasing agent from my apartment complex corners me at the stairs and starts to yell at me.  She said, "YOU AGAIN?!"  I really couldn't believe what was happening.  My dogs were out and not on a leash, but I have never received previous warning or anything of that nature.  Not to mention, I live in the BACK of the complex with very little activity AND I had an infant and diaper bag on my hip.  I mean, really?

Sometimes, I wonder if there is a target on my forehead.  Sometimes, I wonder if God is trying to refine my character or trying to train me for something.  Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands up on having any hope at all on the human race.

Many of you know what I have been going through, which only compounds the episode that I experienced today.

I keep trying to tell myself that we had great news today..we had an excellent time with friends..and I have a wonderful family.  I am grateful for the good in my life.

I wonder if it is okay that I slowly begin to chat less and less to the clerks at Starbucks and suddenly look down passing a stranger rather than speak to them.?  I wonder if anyone has any moral fiber anymore.  I wonder what it is that I will do next that will cause someone else to pounce on me.  I wonder if this heightened sensitivity will last forever.  I wonder if I could really feel relief if I went through the PAIN of just expressing all of this to God.? I also wonder if the outgoing and bubbly "Jenna" will ever come back.? Is this part of growing up?.

Well, here I am venting out things that I feel can really only come out through writing.  Thanks for being there.  Whether it is just me who reads this or others that can possibly relate and feel an ounce of gratitude that he/she may not be the only one experiencing frustration.

So..at the end of this, I know ONE thing that I want.  I want to know how to stand up for myself the right way.  I'm tired of being the one everyone knows they can get something from.  My message is this....I AM NOT YOUR DOORMAT....I AM NOT YOUR OUTLET FOR YOUR BAD DAY....I AM NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH GAMES AND SILLINESS - SHOOT IT STRAIGHT OR MOVE ON.

Randomness

It has been so long since my last blog.  I really should do this more often.  It has been on of those seasons of my life that have been marked with pain and a desperate search for understanding.  I have learned so much during this time; yet, I find myself even more aware of how much I remain completely clueless.


I know I will look back on this season of my life and see God all over it.  I'm still just too close to all that has happened to really see the full fruit that has come from it.  I had someone call me today and encourage me and pray for me.  Through her prayer, I realized just how much I don't give myself credit.  I sacrifice so much to raise my baby at home and to be a homemaker for my husband.  The world seems to continuously harass me with the thought that my family is suffering because I haven't made sufficient plans.  


John Piper's status update on facebook the other day has stuck with me during this time. He said, "Grant me faith, O Lord, in all my calamities, never to count you as my enemy."  I have such trouble realizing that God isn't mad at me.  I'm far too critical of myself and daily have to remind myself that my relationship with God isn't based on my works.  Afterall, we have all fallen short.  We all deserve hell.

I am continuously learning more and more about being a mom and wife.  We have been studying the book, The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace at my church.  This book has been great so far.

As I continue to use every ounce of my faith just to stand each day, I feel hope when I remind myself of my dreams.  Hope deferred makes the heart sick.  I have really felt my heart become sick more times than I can count.  

DREAMS:

-To be an excellent wife and mother...to create and maintain a safe place for my family.  I want to be my husband's cheerleader.  I want my life to remind him of the promises God has spoken to him.

-To be in connection with godly people through church and personal relationships that encourage me, challenge me, and understand the path I have chosen and to play that role for them as well.

-To write and pray..two things I specifically feel that I have a gifting for.

-To walk beside my husband as he becomes the pastor I know he is called to be someday. 

Here are a few pictures that keep my world straight in the hardest times of my life.