I'm low on inspiration; however, I am full of many other things! I am updating the blog to just let go of all the words trapped in my head and heart. Sometimes, the greatest statements I make come AFTER I begin to put them on paper.
It's been a very difficult road for about the past couple of months. Each day is full of pain and discomfort to a very high degree. I know I have grown in the area of pain and discomfort, because I don't necessarily see this as altogether a bad thing. I know there will be endless rewards and unimaginative surprises at the end of this journey. It's funny to me that I can get around a few people and turn into Wonder Woman....only to end the afternoon crying my eyes out and in intense pain.
The pain in this pregnancy has literally been the worst pain I have had in my entire life! It's difficult to say and admit sometimes that my days are just ROUGH! It's like a sting in my soul each time a coworker asks me how I'm doing. If you know me at all, you know I'm not gonna put on a mask and say, "wonderful!." Why does it feel so bad sometimes to just say that your day/week is stinky? Perhaps, I have been a part of a worldly movement that pushes raw and unpleasant emotion to the side for the sake of being likable to others. Come to think of it, I'd like for more people to be transparent about things that seem to overtake the good in life...I'd love to be made aware of the needs of the people around me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's okay to be a "Debbie Downer." I'm just saying that I'd like to create an environment for the people around me, no matter the depth of our relationship, to feel comfortable enough to admit troubles. My doctor hugged me today and I laid my head on his shoulder. He gave me a few words of affirmation. That is all he did, and you know what?.....It touched me to the core to have a caring embrace without having to listen to advice, etc.
Maybe, I am just a sensitive person. Maybe you say this is too close for comfort. Maybe, it would be a better place with less depression and oppression if we felt like we could be real in the small moments when we pass each other at work, in the grocery store, and at church. Don't you sometimes just get tired of passing people in hallways only to say, "hi, how are you," only to get back a "great, how are you?" I mean really...we don't even slow down because we have become that predictable in "politely" keeping our troubles quiet. I'd rather pass someone and just start telling them hello or pay them a quick compliment.
I want to be a hug when someone needs it. I want to be an ear with loving eyes when someone doesn't need a similar story or advice. I want to be the voice of prayer when someone is at a loss for words. I want those around me to feel swaddled when they feel so exposed to the world that their whole existence is callused and hard. I want the world to be a better place. Perhaps, in this place, people will see and experience the love of God. I imagine this to be a blissful place.
One thing I have found so freeing is to just be myself. I've grown up believing that I need to filter EVERYTHING I say and do....lest it come back around to bite me. Lately, I've been saying and doing what comes naturally from Jenna. It's working out great. This is something my husband models almost with perfection. It may sometimes be easy to find small areas of correction, but his heart is always open and his thoughts are always truly felt. The beauty of this is that when you see the areas in his life that are super great, they REALLY ARE SUPER GREAT because everything that leaks out of him is truly felt. I just love him. :)
