A Word for Today

During my devotion and prayer time today, I felt the Lord deliver this word to me.  I feel it applies to us all. 

 

We often see the warring of Satan as a direct result of our drawing our own swords to protect and defend.  The Lord says, "Put down your sword, that I may fight the battle for you." The word of the Lord (in my situation) is sharper than any double edged sword.  It will devise our plan and divide soul and spirit.

 

Come to the River, the River of Life, and drink freely.  It makes glad the city of God.  The Spirit searches all the things of God, so you come boldly to the throne of grace.  Freely you receive, freely you shall give.

 

Praise the One who has made ALL THINGS available to us through His son, Jesus.  Nothing shall be able to separate us from the love of God.  We are more than conquerors, being able to withstand anything.

Raising up Disciples

In my home, I take the issue of discipline very seriously.  I don't take lightly the responsibility that I have in raising up Jesus freaks.  I often feel the pressure of impacting my children for the better as an almost impossible task.  Since Kindle's birth, I have prayed countless times for The Helper, Holy Spirit, to lead me case by case.  And He has been there every step of the way.

I know most of my friends are in the same boat as I watch them, from a distance, becoming the best they can be out of love for their babies.  Having children really is the greatest motivator on the planet to be the best you.

This morning, I was drinking my VENTI coffee that normally powers me through my cleaning day, and the Holy Spirit laid understanding of my current parenting situation on me so clearly.

To give you a quick background to what I have been dealing with..... Kindle has found her attitude.  Immediately upon any type of frustration, she will let out a blood curdling yell, growl, grunt, whatever you wanna call it. As mommy, I have been doing my normal discipline routine, which is Room or Fun. (She can have fun with me out of her room or she can be ugly by herself in her room.)  Room or Fun does solve the immediate need of discipline, but it certainly hasn't addressed the root.  In fact, this very morning she rolled her eyes! Yikes.

I am very aware that I could just spank the mess out of her, which is how I was raised.  I'm not debating that to be right or wrong.  I'm simply stating that whatever discipline is in place, it is a response to the action short term.   

So what about this root I'm dealing with?... What do I do?  This is a question I have been mulling over time and time again for about a week or two.  Then the Lord spoke to me.  I know in my heart that there are times where my children need to feel my boundary set as they test my position as mommy, but there are REAL times in their lives where they are in discovery mode of different paths available for them to take.

I know that parenting often takes the form of my relationship with God.  Afterall, He is my PERFECT Father, and I am his daughter.  There are those times the Lord will speak correction so clearly; yet, there are times he allows us to continue on our unknown detour until we realize that we are on the wrong path.  At that point, He is never far away.  In fact, it seems He's there right at that exact moment, just a heart cry away.

WHY? Why does it  happen this way?  I believe sometimes we need correction (direction..discipline) and sometimes we need to find connection with God.

As a parent, I don't always want to give direction.  I'm not wanting to limit the power in my children to find goodness and love within themselves.  Sometimes, I realize that I would rather wait out her showing some attitude in order to feel the connection of her preferring my feelings...ultimately, choosing connection versus immediate self-gratification.

So this is where I'm at as I work very hard to take case by case with my children.  I need to observe and assess their hearts and all the factors in every given situation.  Mothers very closely imitate the role of Holy Spirit in the lives of their children.  We are the nurturer, the comforter, and the helper they so desperately depend on as young children, and my goal is to establish this faithfully to them in order for them to transition to Holy Spirit with their whole hearts yielded by faith and trust that they found in mommy. 

My ultimate question is this...What is my goal?  Whatever my answer is to this, Holy Spirit will help.  I believe in the goodness of my daughters.  I seek to pull it out of them as young children.  I'm willing to let them walk through things within the safety of my protection in order for them to find relationship and connection to be the most valuable thing they possess.  I have learned that sometimes they must walk through it to get to the other side, and other times, they must hit a wall (correction) and make a sharp turn.

So I pray I continue to find the right balance of correction and connection to raise up disciples of Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 1:1-4
To know wisdom and instruction, to perceive the words of understanding, to receive the instruction of wisdom, justice, judgment, and equity; To give prudence to the simple, to the young man knowledge and discretion.

Do What You May, The Lord has the Answer.

I don't know about you, but there are several things that I have been asking of God.  Not too long ago, I began praying for manna.  Manna that is what I need daily and often what I know not of in the moment I ask.  There are a couple other things, though, that I consistently bring to him.  Partly to bring my heart's desires to Him, but also to bring forth important life issues to God to keep myself in check and attain God's perspective on the topic.

I believe, really believe, that God wants the VERY BEST for me.  It is easy to say, but it really packs a punch in making it a part of my reality.  Trusting God with everything that I have is something that has really transformed my life.  I find myself in a greater depth of contentment and thankfulness.   I'm so thankful for food, hot water, air conditioning, reliable vehicles, family...the list could go on and on.

I'm constantly reminded of God's faithfulness as I examine my sweet four month old, Rebekah Nell.  She is fed the best food on the planet for her; yet, I never even leave the house or pay to attain it.  She is never in lack.  When I find myself doubting God's provision or timing, I'm reminded of this simple miracle that really puts it into perspective.

Just as God fed Elisha with the ravens, he will do the same for me.  Just as God provides food for the birds, He will for me.  I find so much comfort in resting in God's provision rather than in my own or my husband's ability to provide.  I also believe that as God's children, we aren't just to believe for our next meal.  Ephesians 3:20 says that God will do "EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY ABOVE all that we ask or think."  Wow, I'd say that pretty much covers it.  Whatever I ask and whatever I think.... I pause just to let that sink in once again.  I don't know about you, but I want to really receive that Word and claim it.

Why?  Why would He do this?  What makes this God's agenda?....  "to Him be glory by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever."   Our life is made great because it brings Him pleasure (glory).  This is another topic that is hard for me to grasp...How such a magnificent God takes such pleasure in me. One word, overwhelming!

I know that God spoke to me as I was praying about the issues mentioned earlier.  I heard Him so clearly tell me, "In Due Time."  If you are somewhere around the place I am in asking God for your manna, this may be a word for you as well.  Knowing that whenever (not if) God does provide, it is His timing!  The assurance of that will give me patience in waiting but also faith in the now.  His spoken word literally formed the worlds.  Let us all ask Him to speak on our behalf specifically.  Proverbs 21:31 reinforces this principle. It says, "The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord."  Due what we may, God has the answer.

Passion for Jesus

What is keeping me from being passionate for Jesus?

I find myself in mental turmoil as I ask myself this, because I've always considered myself to be a lover of God.  I've come to a point where I'm questioning why I know God today almost exactly the same as I have through the last couple of years.  I need to be growing, stretching, and maturing.

Corey Russel preached a sermon that awakened this cry of my heart to go deeper, reach further, and grow stronger.  You can listen here.  I highly recommend it....as in it WILL NOT be a waste of your time.

Trust:
-I don't trust God.  There, I said it.  I trust in Him for salvation, but with my entire LIFE?... It's extremely difficult for me to do or even imagine. 
-We have become more faithful to God financially, and I'm slowly walking towards a trust in Him that I've never known.  This isn't like when I tithed faithfully in high school.  This is a one income family, paycheck to paycheck, I could use this money to put shoes on my daughters' feet kind of thing.  Doesn't God see the sacrifice I'm making by not working?....EXCUSES didn't pay off.
-Since beginning to be faithful 100% of the time, God has really shown up and shown out.  So what does all this mean?... I CAN trust Him.  He does care for my day to day.  He not only gives me food and shelter, but an assurance that He will meet me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

A good friend, Jason Beard, posted this on Facebook and it convicted me and stirred my inner man.  I know this convicted me.

"Many try to claim the blessings of God while never meeting the covenant conditions of seeking Him and following Him with their whole heart.  It all comes down to loving Him and being in obedience to His commandments." 

 

 

In Corey's sermon, the topic of hunger arose all of this in me.  Do I hunger for God to the point where it is all I want.  Above all else, I seek to fulfill this desire!  I want my deep to call out to His deep.  Hannah in 1 Samuel is a great picture of this.  All she wanted was a son.  It says that GOD closed Hannah's womb?! What??!!....Why would God do such a thing? 

 

So how did Hannah quench this undying thirst for a son, she brought it to God and left it there! Hunger & Trust.  I'm so guilty of bringing it to Him, but not leaving it there!  So Hannah did those two things, and in the process of time, her heart's desire was granted or as Corey would say, "God gave her a blank check."

 

Ok, I'm inspired but I need practical tips on giving it to God and LEAVING IT THERE (TRUST).

 

Why/How to Trust as Shown in the Word:

-Psalms 33

v. 18 - the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope in His mercy.

v. 21 - Our hearts will rejoice BECAUSE we have trusted in His holy name.

-Psalms 34

v. 7 - He encamps around those who fear Him.

v. 8 - Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him.

-Isaiah 26

v. 4 - Trust in the Lord always, for God is the eternal Rock.

-John 12

v. 46 - Putting trust in God will no longer allow us to remain in the dark.

-Ephesians 3

v. 17 - As you trust, God makes His home in your heart.

-1 Peter 4

v. 19 - Trust your lives to God, HE WILL NEVER FAIL YOU.

 

I hope this speaks to you on some level.  I know this is just the beginning of a new life in Him for me. To God be all the glory forever.

 

Love ya,

Jenna

"Kindle Knows how to use the Potty!"

Kindle knows how to use the potty...She really knows her stuff!!
Kindle knows how to use the potty...Cause now she's big enough!

Those are the lyrics that I use to the potty song that I sing each and every time Kindle uses the potty. I also, very dramatically, stomp my feet and wave my hands.  I've decided to blog this ongoing adventure we know as Potty Training!  I've read countless blogs and articles on the topic and have spent hours researching the latest products and potties. 

Two things that really stick out in my mind that is universal:
1. Every kid is different!
2. Let your child lead the way...they know when they are ready. (I have also found that this point will help your child to know that they have chosen this adventure...it has not been forced.  This is particularly helpful on those days he/she just gets tired of the entire process.)

When my daughter was 22 months, we ALL were ready for NO MORE DIAPERS...mostly because I have a three month old also in diapers!

I decided to do the rigid three day method after I would lock us in the bathroom with her potty and water.  It just didn't click with me or Kindle to go potty then return to a diaper.  It only made sense at that point that we were DONE with diapers, except at night. So we started potty training that day!

In this post, I hope to just tell you my experience and let you know the things that I feel like I had learned the hard way...

This is the potty I chose.  Many people encourage you to let the child be a part of the experience, but if your child is as young as mine was, it's just not that easy for them to pick and communicate their choice, nor do they even know what it's gonna be for!

 

It is also advertised as a stool when you close the lid.  What I don't particularly care for about this potty is that the hole really isn't the right size.  I realize that it needs to be comfortable, but unless Kindle sat on it just right, she would either peepee all over the front or there would be no room for #2 in the back.  I would also choose a toilet that is all plastic like this one from Bjorn. It gets GERMY to say the least with all the stuff going on with it!  It just makes it easier to clean for it to be plastic.   Also, the less pieces they can take apart during play time the better. Kindle loved to take it all apart! 

 

When it comes to big girl panties, we chose some Minnie Mouse panties.  However, we really only use them when we go out.  When we are home, she does tend to stay completely naked on the bottom so that she can just go when she wants.  This comes with her being so young.  If she were older and way more verbal, we would be able to use panties all throughout the day.  For us, it just causes more confusion, because she will sit on her potty and go with her panties still on...

 

I personally do find it helpful to pump them full of juice and/or water the first few days so that you can make the most of those first few days.  It does require alot of attention, but if I can do it along with taking care of an infant, I'm sure you can, too. :)

 

After I started backing off pumping her with liquids, I bought one of the toilet seats that go on top of the big toilet.  I do highly recommend just the very basic ones.   The handles are in the perfect place, and it is very easy to clean. 



We still use both types because sometimes when I'm cooking or taking care of my other baby, she will just go over to her potty and use it.  Now that we are a couple of weeks into this adventure, I can pretty much predict what her body is doing based on how much she has had to drink, etc.  So during the day, I place her on the toilet seat where she will go.  The more we work together, the less we use the potty.  I intend to phase out the potty so that she will just be able to use a stool and sit on her seat.

Each and every time she goes, I will sing our song, request a high five, and give her a tootsie roll.  I even incorporate stickers for her doing something at the next level like going #2 or communicating to me that she had to go, etc.  If you are somewhat in the same age bracket, it is good to take this opportunity to teach them how to say "yes" and "no."  Kindle learned this quickly just so she could avoid being placed on her toilet seat when she didn't have to go!

 

During nap time, I've done a few things.. I have left her in there with her panties on, but she has gone both peepee and #2 that way and it's a MESS.  She seems to have way less accidents when she isn't wearing anything..  I know this sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I keep a towel under where she lays and I watch her on our video monitor until she goes to sleep.  After she is fully asleep, I will make sure she is on the towel, and if there is an accident, I can just wash the towel.

 

So, it came time for us to go out in public! The walls were beginning to close in on us, and we had to get out!  The first time, she went in her car seat, but honestly, with big girl panties and shorts, the seat really didn't get wet.  After our first outing, she got the idea...since then, she has successfully went peepee and #2 in public.  It's hard to be flexible, but you really can't predict and always time errands perfectly to be at the right place at the right time. She did handle the larger potty better than I expected... that was a very easy transition.  This really taught me to just take the problems and situations as they arise and to not anticipate problems for the future.

 

If your child is anything like mine, there will be ups and downs!  I've cleaned up my share of accidents, that is for sure.  It is critical for Kindle, that I don't turn potty training into a pressure cooker!...and if you give up diapers entirely, like I did, that isn't always easy.  Accidents require patience and realizing it's a learning experience for everyone involved, especially parents doing this for the first time.

 

Kindle didn't master this in three days like the popular trends state, but it's going very well.  From very early on, we would be accident free for days at a time...and most accidents are just peepee.  I encourage her, pray for her, pray for me...anything that I can think of to make this as peaceful as possible.

 

One of our biggest obsticals is her carrying on our routines with her daddy.  She adores her time with her daddy, and the last thing that she wants to do is stop to potty!  It did require me having a long conversation with Dustin about how I do things so that he could continue what I did during the day while he was at work.

 

I hope this is making sense to you, and somehow encourages you along your journey with potty training.  I hope that you find what works for you like we have...without too many tears and frustration.

 

Last thing, I know this is totally random, but I am all about sharing advice and tips that I wish someone would share with me.....  I am huge quality freak. I will totally spend way more money for quality than just getting by with something cheap.  So here it is, very random but very true! Great Value version of Windex is BETTER than Windex itself! Yep, it's true! Plus, I noticed it was significantly cheaper!

It's Where our Help Comes From

I have come to a place in my life where I find rest.  I'm certainly not meaning physical rest because being a mother of two girls under the age of two is well, CHALLENGING.  I'm referring to a place where my spirit begins to find direction.  It's a place where I feel like I have been on a Tilt-A-Whirl and have begun to get a feel for the ground and stabillity again!  It feels NICE! 

I'm beginning to find that my identity really is something beautiful and doesn't require me to pour out like I had originally thought.  I believed that in order for me to be of worth, I must be DOING DOING DOING....that somehow I would hear God more and look more presentable to Him if I had my hands in stuff.  I've always had this image of ministry and platforms when it came to my calling.  I'm so glad that I've gone through so much these past few years to find myself right here, right now.  If you would have asked me two years ago what I wanted to do, I would have given  you a long that included counseling and deliverance ministry.  Today, I can say that what I want from life is to just be a pleasure to be around...to be someone that is beneficial to know.  I want my inner circle of people to see the fire of God in my eyes and to hear joy in my laugh.

I hope that as I start to blog again, that I am able to send forth messages of encouragement for both you and me!  I find that my relationship with the Father has become something sweet and blissful...I find that just about everyone I come in contact with is a well-intentioned person seeking goodness.  I want to honor you in my words and reflect love to you.  I'm not afraid of what lies ahead as I become volnerable once again.  I've seen what happens when godly people erect walls in response to hurt and offense. The truth is that no one has control over someone else.  Jesus is my source for love and acceptance so I find a new bravery to love without restraint.
 
Sometimes I sit in my tub with my head against the wall trying to figure out what's the most important thing that I need to ask God for at that time because I'm so wiped out and drained mentally that I could never fully request all that I need.  I think of friends that need prayer. I think of people that are desperate and my beautiful daughters that have their entire lives ahead of them...so what do I ask?? How do I prioritize this mountain of needs so that this ten minutes of solitude can be fruitful?..  The answer is for me just to look up.  I need to look up to my Father and ask for my manna for today.  God is where my help comes from.  He knows everything.  What's going on is I need to sit back, rest in His love and seek His face to be more like Him.  He is love, and afterall, He has endured it all.

I've heard that when you take care of God's business, He takes care of your business.  Well, this may be true, but I know that His perfect plan is for us to yield to Him personally.  I forsake the mentality that I must do in order for Him to act on my behalf. As I wind this post down, I pray for each reader (probably like three people..haha) to find a place of rest...a place of trust with the Father.

I sense God asking, "Do you need help?...Look to me, you will find it."  I pray, in the name of Jesus, that each of us find the face of our Father in our time of need.  Whether it be help in finances or just to be a better mom and wife, I ask that we find our way by seeking Him first.  I ask that we phsyically feel a release of power and strength as we open our hands and hearts to just let go and trust.  I'm so thankful for all that has been made available to us through Jesus.

Colossians 1:19-20 - For it pleased the Father that in Him all the fullness should dwell, and by Him to reconcile all things to Himself, by Him, whether things on earth or things in heaven, having made peace through the blood of His cross. 

Psalms 37:40 - And the Lord shall help them and deliver them; He shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in Him.

Keep it Clean

As I was praying today, I felt the Holy Spirit guiding me through the dark places of my heart.  The places that embrace bitterness and unforgiveness as well as selfishness and want.

Here is my findings through prayer and meditation:

-It is vital for me to keep my wounds clean.  As with a wound to my physical body, I must provide attention to it.  It is prone to infection the more it is left unattended.  When those dark places in my heart are left unattended, they will become infected and won't heal....In some cases, infection can be deadly.  I can't imagine how many people have turned from faith because wounds left with flesh eating bacteria had gone unattended too long.

Lord, help me to keep my wounds clean.  Give me grace to scrub away the deadness and let your healing balm spread over my wounds without resistance.  I open myself to your care, trusting You to make me whole again.


-I need a taste for the beauty of Christ.  My faith will grow when I find The Treasure - God.  I believe I am left in want when I place my happiness in a new home or in material things or perhaps even in prestige.  Jesus came that we would come to know the Father.  When I find him, my tastes change and the things that I loved in darkness become stale and bland in comparison to the riches of God's perfect love in my life.

God, I place my whole life in your hands.  I seek Your presence first and foremost, knowing that the finest home and earthly riches would still leave me in want.  There is nothing that can fill the place in my heart that You inhabit.  I make it a priority to ensure that nothing tries invade that place in my life.


-I've been on a quest for wisdom for my family and me for a long while.  As I was praying, I thought of the ants and immediately went to Proverbs 30:25.  It says, "The ants are not a strong people, yet they prepare their meat in summer."  As I looked at this verse in commentaries and in it's context, I find that to prepare means for us to establish ourselves for the future.  In the Hebrew, it also says that meat refers to our bread.  I find it so enlightening to find that to be establish also refers to becoming respected in industry.

Thank You, God, that You gives us a healthy balance for the desires of our heart.  Even though I forsake this world's riches to follow You, I find wisdom through preparing and praying for our future.  I am believing for big things that Satan would easily want me to confuse with selfish wants and ambitions.  Through Your Word, I set it back up straight.  As we (Dustin and me) devote our lives to holiness, we ask for Your grace to establish us in this world but not of this world.  Thank You, for bringing balance and clarity to my heart.

FORGIVENESS

Father,

Did you see what he did and said about me?  He was full of accusation and spite.  Does it matter that I did everything to make it right and to remain objective?  Persecution seems to follow me and hides behind every corner.  Is this what our sinful nature makes of us?  For I was technically a part of the crowd that condemned you and crucified your Son.

What did Jesus do?.....He prayed for them and made a way for them to escape eternal damnation.  But that was Him and this is me.  This guy wronged me and discredited my name.  I can't just let him get away with it, can I?....

OK, this heart of stone I submit under the workings of the cross, trusting You will make it a heart of flesh...sensitive to my brother's current condition.

I imagine through this somehow my heart will connect with Your heart, just as Jesus' did.

I realize this isn't taking the high road....It is, in fact, a low road paved with the discomfort of self-sacrifice and self-denial!  It isn't comfortable or convenient, but through Your infinite graces, I know it leads to the BEST destination.

Vindication belongs to You, my Father, who takes great care of his kids.

-Amen

VENTING

Sometimes, I think my mind is just going to explode.  I just told a friend that for the first time in my life, I actually understand why people turn to drugs.  There have been days that do everything except just overtake my body.

Today, we finally received great news about Dustin's job situation.  He is officially an employee at Chase.  He will have awesome benefits and almost unlimited growth potential.  Wouldn't you know it, a leasing agent from my apartment complex corners me at the stairs and starts to yell at me.  She said, "YOU AGAIN?!"  I really couldn't believe what was happening.  My dogs were out and not on a leash, but I have never received previous warning or anything of that nature.  Not to mention, I live in the BACK of the complex with very little activity AND I had an infant and diaper bag on my hip.  I mean, really?

Sometimes, I wonder if there is a target on my forehead.  Sometimes, I wonder if God is trying to refine my character or trying to train me for something.  Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands up on having any hope at all on the human race.

Many of you know what I have been going through, which only compounds the episode that I experienced today.

I keep trying to tell myself that we had great news today..we had an excellent time with friends..and I have a wonderful family.  I am grateful for the good in my life.

I wonder if it is okay that I slowly begin to chat less and less to the clerks at Starbucks and suddenly look down passing a stranger rather than speak to them.?  I wonder if anyone has any moral fiber anymore.  I wonder what it is that I will do next that will cause someone else to pounce on me.  I wonder if this heightened sensitivity will last forever.  I wonder if I could really feel relief if I went through the PAIN of just expressing all of this to God.? I also wonder if the outgoing and bubbly "Jenna" will ever come back.? Is this part of growing up?.

Well, here I am venting out things that I feel can really only come out through writing.  Thanks for being there.  Whether it is just me who reads this or others that can possibly relate and feel an ounce of gratitude that he/she may not be the only one experiencing frustration.

So..at the end of this, I know ONE thing that I want.  I want to know how to stand up for myself the right way.  I'm tired of being the one everyone knows they can get something from.  My message is this....I AM NOT YOUR DOORMAT....I AM NOT YOUR OUTLET FOR YOUR BAD DAY....I AM NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH GAMES AND SILLINESS - SHOOT IT STRAIGHT OR MOVE ON.

Randomness

It has been so long since my last blog.  I really should do this more often.  It has been on of those seasons of my life that have been marked with pain and a desperate search for understanding.  I have learned so much during this time; yet, I find myself even more aware of how much I remain completely clueless.


I know I will look back on this season of my life and see God all over it.  I'm still just too close to all that has happened to really see the full fruit that has come from it.  I had someone call me today and encourage me and pray for me.  Through her prayer, I realized just how much I don't give myself credit.  I sacrifice so much to raise my baby at home and to be a homemaker for my husband.  The world seems to continuously harass me with the thought that my family is suffering because I haven't made sufficient plans.  


John Piper's status update on facebook the other day has stuck with me during this time. He said, "Grant me faith, O Lord, in all my calamities, never to count you as my enemy."  I have such trouble realizing that God isn't mad at me.  I'm far too critical of myself and daily have to remind myself that my relationship with God isn't based on my works.  Afterall, we have all fallen short.  We all deserve hell.

I am continuously learning more and more about being a mom and wife.  We have been studying the book, The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace at my church.  This book has been great so far.

As I continue to use every ounce of my faith just to stand each day, I feel hope when I remind myself of my dreams.  Hope deferred makes the heart sick.  I have really felt my heart become sick more times than I can count.  

DREAMS:

-To be an excellent wife and mother...to create and maintain a safe place for my family.  I want to be my husband's cheerleader.  I want my life to remind him of the promises God has spoken to him.

-To be in connection with godly people through church and personal relationships that encourage me, challenge me, and understand the path I have chosen and to play that role for them as well.

-To write and pray..two things I specifically feel that I have a gifting for.

-To walk beside my husband as he becomes the pastor I know he is called to be someday. 

Here are a few pictures that keep my world straight in the hardest times of my life.

Rest

It's absolutely insane what my body and spirit have experienced within the last week.  I've experienced such joy and brokenness within this period of time.  I battle with writing this out, because I honestly don't know what this post will even look like at the end.

I've experienced my husband finally finding the right path to take in ministry.  He is beyond equipped and called into evangelism.  God told me I would marry an evangelist at YOUTH camp many years ago.  When I met Dustin, he began telling me more about himself through his calling to be an evangelist.  It's a miracle that we are right at the "welcome mat" of this arena of ministry considering we both had no idea what evangelism really meant.  It was one of those things God had to tell you to do because only He knew what you would be and become years later.

Just for us to get to this place in our lives, we have dealt with disappointment and regret and doubt along with many other things.  I've had to give up on opportunities that would have catapulted me into an area of ministry that I enjoy very much.  I've had to deal with the fact that I will no longer be as much of a part in people's lives that have meant the WORLD to me.  I've gone through territory that I never thought I would be in, such as giving up my career and being a full time mom.  Every day, I learn what this means and how much I have to learn.  God continues to trim off the fatty edges of my life....and it is most of the time so close to the meat of who I am that I gasp for air as I feel the control of my own life slipping through my fingers.  I'm often underestimated or misunderstood for my convictions that are more often than not too much for people to understand.

I'm sure the previous paragraph is choppy and all over the place, but as I write, I consistently see an image of young woman being prepared as though time is not on her side.  So often, I want the preparation and grooming roles to be MINE.  Where would I be if I were in charge?  Where would any of us be if we decided to cut our own hair or diagnose our own bodies?  Sometimes, I'm running around like a crazy woman when I should just sit down in the chair and let God groom me.  I want to sit in HIS chair.  I want to look like what he wants me to look like.  The beauty of this is that His finished product of me will always be the best.

So as much pain and separation I've had to endure, I'm okay sitting in Papa's chair.  His chair is FOR my good.  I have a promise to cling to when EVERYTHING else slips through my fingers.  The answers to my prayers aren't as important as I thought they were before.  The greatest prayer concerns we could ever have are ALREADY answered.  My name is in THE book.  His promises to me are to prosper me and He takes care of me and knows the number of hairs on my head.  I've never gone hungry or begged for bread.  His love has taken me to depths this body will never comprehend.  He saved me....so, I'll THANK him when my soul is weary and tired and my brain hurts from analyzing possible missed opportunities and relationships.

I'm standing in my faith and leaning on Jesus.

CANCER

It's been such a long time since I have had the time and/or the energy to blog.  I can hardly remember what life was like  before having Kindle Elisabeth!  Anywho, I have something flaming on the inside of me that has to get out.

The other night, I walked outside on my patio to watch a lightning storm.  It was so beautiful!  While I was outside, God began breaking me for each of the women that I have come across that have cancer.  These precious women have been reached through the ministry that I am involved with called The White Rose Movement. If you aren't a fan of their page on facebook, I highly recommend it.

Anyways, God began putting these courageous women on my heart.  As I began praying against this devastating disease, God began to show me that there is a cancer that is more widespread and even deadlier than the kind these women are facing.  I have neighbors and loved ones that have this cancer in their spirit.  There is a disease spreading with each passing moment and most people who have it are not even aware or diagnosed.  This type of cancer is WILLFUL separation from God.  Willful separation spreads through the soul and devours a person from the inside out....eternally.

After God began to show me His view of this, my burden for these women was a little lighter as God has become their Savior.  What can man or disease do to a soul that will have an eternal reward with Jesus.  Don't get me wrong,  I am not underestimating that severity of cancer of the body.

My point is that I walked outside to find a burden for these ladies battling a disease of the body.  I walked inside with a burden for countless people being consumed by a disease of the soul.  The true tragedy here is that there is a cure for the second condition.  His name is Jesus and He is passionately awaiting them as His touch can make them whole.  If God can save a soul through His son, isn't that the greatest healing of all?...Then why do I find myself so faithLESS sometimes when it comes to  healing for those battling an illness? 

I still pray for these beautiful women as they face the battle of their earthly lives. They continue to follow Jesus and have such a hopeful outlook on the future. Please pray for them as you feel lead.

Thank you for hearing my heart tonight.

Behind the Scenes

I'm low on inspiration; however, I am full of many other things!  I am updating the blog to just let go of all the words trapped in my head and heart.  Sometimes, the greatest statements I make come AFTER I begin to put them on paper. 

It's been a very difficult road for about the past couple of months. Each day is full of pain and discomfort to a very high degree. I know I have grown in the area of pain and discomfort, because I don't necessarily see this as altogether a bad thing.  I know there will be endless rewards and unimaginative surprises at the end of this journey.  It's funny to me that I can get around a few people and turn into Wonder Woman....only to end the afternoon crying my eyes out and in intense pain.

The pain in this pregnancy has literally been the worst pain I have had in my entire life!  It's difficult to say and admit sometimes that my days are just ROUGH!  It's like a sting in my soul each time a coworker asks me how I'm doing.  If you know me at all, you know I'm not gonna put on a mask and say, "wonderful!."  Why does it feel so bad sometimes to just say that your day/week is stinky?  Perhaps, I have been a part of a worldly movement that pushes raw and unpleasant emotion to the side for the sake of being likable to others.  Come to think of it, I'd like for more people to be transparent about things that seem to overtake the good in life...I'd love to be made aware of the needs of the people around me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's okay to be a "Debbie Downer."  I'm just saying that I'd like to create an environment for the people around me, no matter the depth of our relationship, to feel comfortable enough to admit troubles.  My doctor hugged me today and I laid my head on his shoulder.  He gave me a few words of affirmation.  That is all he did, and you know what?.....It touched me to the core to have a caring embrace without having to listen to advice, etc.

Maybe, I am just a sensitive person.  Maybe you say this is too close for comfort.  Maybe, it would be a better place with less depression and oppression if we felt like we could be real in the small moments when we pass each other at work, in the grocery store, and at church.  Don't you sometimes just get tired of passing people in hallways only to say, "hi, how are you," only to get back a "great, how are you?"  I mean really...we don't even slow down because we have become that predictable in "politely" keeping our troubles quiet. I'd rather pass someone and just start telling them hello or pay them a quick compliment.

I want to be a hug when someone needs it.  I want to be an ear with loving eyes when someone doesn't need a similar story or advice.  I want to be the voice of prayer when someone is at a loss for words.  I want those around me to feel swaddled when they feel so exposed to the world that their whole existence is callused and hard.  I want the world to be a better place.  Perhaps, in this place, people will see and experience the love of God.  I imagine this to be a blissful place.

One thing I have found so freeing is to just be myself.  I've grown up believing that I need to filter EVERYTHING I say and do....lest it come back around to bite me.  Lately, I've been saying and doing what comes naturally from Jenna.  It's working out great.  This is something my husband models almost with perfection.  It may sometimes be easy to find small areas of correction, but his heart is always open and his thoughts are always truly felt.  The beauty of this is that when you see the areas in his life that are super great, they REALLY ARE SUPER GREAT because everything that leaks out of him is truly felt.  I just love him. :)

Faithfulness

"A faith that does not result in faithfulness is fraudulent."

That's a pretty nice beginner, eh?  I have been bombarded with a message of faith and success and how closely they are related within the past week.  Radio preaching, personal time, instant access on faith scriptures as my bible swings open to the exact page God wants me to read.  His word is really nothing short of letters to me.  Isn't that beautiful?

I was just thinking about how beautiful is the life lead in faith.  All of the things I treasure most has been found through intimate persuit of God.  I was in search of a fresh word on the front right side of my home church sanctuary....I found direction to Master's Commission that was vital to my spiritual walk. I was in search of God through a bible study...found my husband there. I was in search of God's face in a worship service after seeking knowledge of spiritual warfare through Rebecca Greenwood....I found Kindle Elisabeth through my ears and eyes as direction that confirmed what He spoke years earlier.  I have always received as much of God as I have persued....always!  I want more. 

As I was in my quiet time, I could hear the Holy Spirit saying, "The Father is looking for faithfulness."  I believe we are in a day that the Lord is literally searching and looking for a heart that is FULLY His. 

I would say that we are in a land and a time that is much like what Jeremiah saw:  "Road through the streets of Jerusalem.  Look and take note; search in her squares.  If you find a single person, anyONE who acts justly, who seeks to be FAITHFUL, then I will forgive her."  This is amazing to me!  I believe this is a word for TODAY. 

There are so many lies out there to flatter us into thinking that a faithful life abides in good intentions and a positive moral attitude.  It's time to understand what God is searching for and what He wants to find in me.  Jeremiah 4 lets me know that a life/land is blessed or cursed based on the statement, "if you...." That's me!...not God.  His will is blessing. He's not sitting up there waving a rod of immaculate intervention to turn some sorrows into good.  He's passionately waiting to find a heart that is faithful.  That's all.
Jeremiah 4 - "If you return to Me, if YOU remove your destestible idols from my Prescence and do not waver, if YOU swear, as the Lord lives, in truth, in justice and in righteousness, then the nations(me) will be blessed by Him and will pride themselves in Him."

I just marvel at the beauty that I will pride myself in what He will do when He finds those qualities that truely define faithfulness. 

Who can be found faithful in heart, thoughts, money, persuits, relationships, battles, victories?...I desperately wanna be!  I wanna be found on a mission field or in a van full of criminals or in a brothel full of women seeking love or in my living room fostering the gifts within my sweet daughter, Kindle.  I wanna be found with the discipline to see beyond a rough moment to recognize that a life of faithfulness will result in eternal significance.  We always seem to be aware when people are watching us, I wanna wake up with the reality each morning that God is watching...I want Him to take delight in me.  I want Him to be blessed by me.  I yearn for His heart to be captivated by my life.  I long for Him to know that my life is a place where He can come and release Himself. 

I love that all this talk of faithfulness is just that....believing what I cannot see....a life full of faith.  I believe in all these things lie true success.  So long luke warmness with good intentions and a fake smile. 

Not Mine to Start With

If I were to sit and use the blog as a journal to record all of what I have experienced as a pregnant woman, I am afraid I would begin to feel a bit of embarassment and shame.  I have had almost every symptom known to man along with my own natural tendancies to put way too much pressure on myself to measure up to whatever image of perfection that I have built up in my mind.

There have been days where I honestly didn't know myself.  I didn't know what I wanted or even who I was.  I specifically remember looking at a picture and bursting into tears.  I just couldn't get over the fact that I didn't even recognize the woman in the picture! I couldn't even remember what it felt like to be in a right frame of mind all of the time.  What did it feel like to only have to think of myself?  What did it feel like to have a zipper on my pants or to wear my wedding ring?  Most of all, what did it feel like for my husband to look at me without wondering what lines he could or could not cross.

So, all in all I have come to many low points with this pregnancy.  Thankfully, I serve a God that loves me so much that He made a way out for me. 

My church had an earth-shattering conference with Corey Russell a couple of weeks ago.  I was super excited about being there; however, my body was just limp with exhaustion.  I was so disappointed by the end because I felt like I got nothing out of it like I felt like I should have.  Thankfully, I returned the next weekend only to have found God's prescence stronger than I had ever felt.

As I laid on the floor during worship, God gave me a vision.  This is one of the only visions I have ever had where I heard God almost narrating what was happening.  To make a long story short, He showed me the beauty that was waiting to be uncovered for this pregnancy.  I saw a beautiful woman kneeling down to place her baby at the river.  This was the mother of Moses.  As she released him, I immediately turned into her and began to dance freely with such peace.

As you know, Moses's mother was an Israelite at the time of his birth.  She hid him for three months, but the pharoh's had orders to kill all male children.  In what must have seemed like a tragic situation with no options, she placed her baby at the edge of the river only for the pharaoh's daughter to eventually find him.  This was his only chance of survival.

God showed me that my only chance for survival was to lay this pregnancy and baby down at the river.  I closed my eyes and with everything within me, released this baby into the current of the Holy Spirit.  I don't want control over this.  It was God who gave her to me, it will be His kingdom to care for her. 

As I have pondered this mind-altering experience, I have found this to be such a lesson for anything we are battling.  Whatever it is, God wants us to lay it down to be found by Him.  He wants us to be able to dance in the face of the pharoh's orders.  He wants us joyful when life seems to be choked.  He wants us to experience fruit like that of Moses's life as we give it up.  If his mother had held on and chosen to fight, her son's fate would have surely been death.  It is the same for anything else.  Sometimes fighting isn't the answer.  Sometimes lettting go is.  Sometimes we go against the natural order of the promise.....Are we fighting because that's what we've done in the past? Are we doing what comes naturally or what makes us feel better?  He promises victory and peace; therefore, why are we so afraid and stubborn to let it go?....

Lastly, one of the most beautiful aspects of the story is that his mother had no idea that in letting go, she would be a huge part of delivering her people out of Egypt.  Her surrender would also lead to the parting of the Red Sea.  This inspires me to so to go for it all. I want to fight when it's time to fight, let go when it's time to let go, and stand when there is nothing left.  My heart's desire is to do this even when I don't have forseeable fruit beyond it.  If my surrender produces an uproar and mighty deliverance, so be it.  If my surrender produces nothing but a consecrated heart to Christ, then the effort is well spent.

My sweet Kindle Elisabeth will know her Maker.  She will know Him because she has been laid down at the foot of the river for God to raise.  Her middle name means, "my God is a promise".  I know there is no safer place for her.  Within my own grip, she is in danger.

I hope this has been effectively communicated as it is difficult to put into words the passions of your heart.  I know since this experience, my pregnancy has gone so smoothly.  I am calmer and I feel peace within my womb that I didn't always have.  I have traded ashes in for beauty at the direction of God.  I'm so glad He gives correction to me.  What love!?!

Enjoy the Journey

I realized one major difference today between me and the world.  One follows a voice of self-determination, one follows the voice and direction of God.  I think the major difference between the two, is that one guaruntees invaluable experiences and relationship with no regrets....the other provides temporary peace of mind, knowing that as long as the world continues the way they think it should, their futures will be secure.

I made a decision to follow the voice of God a long time ago.  No matter what this world turns toward, my past, present, and future rest in the hands of God.  A life in persuit of possessions and popularity may provide things, but it never allows you to live in peace without any regrets. 

As I look at the fruit that this deliberate path has produced, I see:
-a roomate we not only have lived with but have made a difference in , a priceless and lifelong relationship
-countless men that still to this day call Dustin when life is difficult and easy
-at least four people that we will love and fellowship with till the day we die
-so far, at least100 little faces that God had put in my path to give direction, and in some cases, mentorship
-visions and lessons that allow me to be a person people come to for help
-broken relationships with family restored and unhealthy ties broken
-classes and people who have not only led me, but taught me in the ways of spiritual warfare, etc..
-a relationship that has gone from a friendship to a love that only God could have made
-most importantly, a future that will continue to glorify the King instead of my own flesh.

My path is deliberate.  My path is sometimes difficult.  My path isn't traveled often.  Howevever, I'm around people that have been there and have given me a glimpse of the price.  I'm surrounded by those trailblazers that all christians want to be like, but few are willing to pay the price.  I'm surrounded by them on purpose....I want to be one of those.

I wrote in the baby book just tonight about this life lesson.  I include things I want Kindle to know.  I want her to look around wherever she is and know that our life may not be full of things, but it is full of God and it is on purpose!  This is from the baby book, "Our path is divine....The world pushes us to a destination, but Daddy God focuses on the journey."  Thank goodness.  I could achieve material things and have the world look at me differently; however, I know that when those things happen, I will have gotten there from enjoying the journey and walking through invaluable experiences and lessons.  I will enjoy the journey.

My hubby just took a picture of this painting I did a while back.  I know the quality of the picture isn't great, but I know walking by it and reading it is such a good reminder for me. 

I am proud of my decisions, lifestyle, and accomplishments b/c they have all come from God.  Like I said, I made a decision a long time ago...I'm gonna follow Jesus, no matter what.

Valley

Luke 3:5 - Every valley shall be filled, and every mountain and hill shall be brought low; and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough ways [shall be] made smooth.

I was thinking about valleys.  We always describe the seasons of our lives to valleys and mountaintops.  However, I have never pondered the significance of the valley.

The mountains and hills give you vision into the land; however, in a valley, you find the necessities.  In a valley, you find riverbeds with endless food supplies.  Not only do the fish live there but most animals live closest to the source of water and safety that the valley provides.  The valley normally also contains the most vegitation.  The valley is also the place where everything from the mountains gravitate.  The valley contains a collection of all that the mountains once contained.

Where would you wanna build a house? Your shelter?....I want to be in the valley.  Life isn't about staying on the mountaintop.  It's about resting in the shadow of the almighty and drinking from the River that never runs dry.  I will search in the depths of the earth and will be found content.

I was gonna paste some pretty rad pictures of valley's but they have this copyright thing!  Google if you have time, it changed my perspective about the reality of everyday life as a christian.

New Beginnings

What a shocker, I'm not quite sure where to begin.  As usual, I will just jump right in as my mind never has a beginning and end...it is forever continuing in thoughts, contemplations, meditations, etc.

So now that I am about five months pregnant, I am feeling waves of emotions everyday.  I'm not wishing to change them or delete them.  I'm just fine sitting down with stamps, markers, and freshly bought cards for whatever my loved ones are experiencing.  I'm fine turning on worship or sitting in silence crying over whatever has me stirred up today.

In my quiet time this morning, God gave me such a fresh revelation.  Dustin and I are going through spiritual inventory these days.  In the midst of man's correction, religeons' politics, and the want for worldly riches, we have come to solitude with our first love.  Our life has gone from exciting dream conversations to moments on the couch of just holding each other in silence as we get through difficult moments and abrasions the world leaves us with.

Needless to say, we have literally let go of EVERYTHING we had - dreams, opportunities, friends, money, etc.  We are finding that in our laying down of these things, that Jesus is bringing back the things that were established on fertile soil within the context of love, not performance and works.

As I was meditating, praying, and reading a story of God's provision, God spoke to me.  As we search for direction, God showed me that His direction is more often than not just that....a direction.  I know I'm so guilty of looking for a specific step or specific promise that will coax me onto the right path.  I've prayed so often for direction, not at all realizing that I was unhappy unless he gave me specific promises and details of the journey.  I was corrected as I read the story of Jacob.  His father and heavenly Father had instructed him to marry a woman from his mother's bloodline.  This was his mandate.  So what did he do next?  He got direction.  The direction wasn't "go here, do this, and you have it."  His direction was "Go East."

Jacob obeyed in persuit of a wife and set off east.  He had no idea where the provision of God would lead him, but he knew his provision lied on the path that was in the right direction.  His provision required faith, obedience, and action....not years of waiting for God to drop a wife in his lap.  I'm encouraged that my provision is going to be found on a path, not in waiting.  There will be steps on my path that I won't be in possession of provision, but His grace will keep me.  I will work together with Jesus and my family to see His will unfold for us.

So God, send me north, south, east, or west....I'm working towards going in your direction instead of demanding your infinate knowledge of how my life will pan out.  You are sovereign and I trust you.

Psalms 121

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Where to Start?...

I have no specific place to start....I am reminded of this every time someone asks me about my passions, where pregnancy has brought me spiritually, etc.

Dustin and I have been brought out of and are still being brought out of our works/performance mentality.  My husband changes before my eyes.  I literally see the kiss of God upon his face.  His physical appearance has even been changing...crazy?...NO. It brings waves of refreshing to my spirit.  I am so blessed to be beside him on his journey of becoming who he is destined to be.  And, at this stage in my life, I am realizing and admitting that he is blessed as well to be on the journey of my life.  I've been getting real with myself and with most of the people around me.

I heard such an inspirational teaching from our One Voice pastor.  He pointed out that it's out of a legalistic point of view that we long to be desperate for our God.  When fathers are loving to their children, they aren't doing their job when the child gets desperate for their attention.  He is there the moment I reach out to Him....really, He is there ALL of the time.

I was singing a song today that I know the Holy Spirit dropped into my heart.  Some of the words are, "I am running, running after You..."  I thought to myself, "why don't I just stand still and receive Him unto me?  I understand that we all run a race, etc.  I then realized that in my legalistic tendancies, I love to find myself searching and aiming and striving.  I've found what I am searching for.....I'm not running to anything.  I am walking beside the One!...The One that every soul searches for, wherever they are in life.  I have Him right here.

I am finding so many things coming together in my life....prophesies, spoken words, things that I have felt in the spiritual, etc.  Part of my life coming together is that it's becoming a norm in my life to be uncertain of tomorrow.  The more I accept it, the more my life comes together.  I don't want my life to make perfect sense in my eyes....I know my Creator has far more than I could ever ask or think.  This is peace to me...knowing now that things truely are out of my hands and control.  (Jelaine, I think this answers the question you asked earlier alot better than my original answer! ha)

Pregnancy

Where do I begin?...I found out that I am pregnant with baby Kindle (when the docs confirm that it is indeed a girl).  I have gone through so much change since finding out.  I am currently 7 weeks although I think about 8 weeks.  My doctor and I are on two different wavelengths when it comes to dates...not that it really matters.

I had a good conversation with a close friend recently about why I feel this season has just crept up on me.  I don't know why I let it creep up on me.  God told me almost two years in advance.  He told me again two months in advance.  We conceived the first full month that we started to try.  When I say try I mean we just stopped preventing. 

Anyhoo, my conversation with my friend led me to believe what a blessing this is to me.  I mean, I know that expecting a baby is a blessing, but I never realized how broken of a spirit you become until you are expecting the first child. Golly, it can just be overwhelming.  I know that upon finding out I was pregnant, I have been broken and in expectation.  I always have control of my life...well, not anymore.  I'm growing more and more fond of life coming to me rather than me running ahead of it to try and control and manipulate it.

God has also shared with me that when I'm broken, my spirit demands the REAL peace...the REAL provision...and the REAL prescence of God.  It's easier to accept a substitute when the situation isn't critically important..you know what I mean?

I've gone from demanding a house and other provisions for my family to being content in my apartment with my tag-along car.  I know that this season has been ordained by God.  He told me the date, the name, and the gender before I ever conceived.  It has so far fallen into place perfectly with what He told me.

Currently, I'm a river of emotions..crying at small things.  I am a picky yet unpredictable eater.  I am a saltine cracker conisour.  I am a sleep-a-holic.  I am also an expectant mother...wow  When  you pile that on top of being a full time teacher and wife....it can be just a little overwhelming at times.

Lastly, I've seen God overcome the odds for me.  My doctor, the month before I got pregnant, said I would possibly have to have fertility drugs due to cysts on my ovaries.  In combination with my thyroid problems, he said it should at the least take a while.  Miscarriage also runs in my family.  My first appointment was a little of a shaker b/c my doctor said the baby was semi-small for how far along I was and that her heartbeat was a little low.  He did a blood test that day.  The next day, they called me and put me on hormones to prevent miscarriage.  He said that the medicine had to start that day and that it couldn't wait until the weekend was over.  I got this phone call while on a prayer journey through the city of Dallas with my spiritual warfare prayer team. 

Since then,  I have spoken life over my womb several times as I can sometimes even feel darkness try to enter in.  I've had prayer warriors pray over me.  After the prayers of others and my own determination to warfare over my womb, there is nothing but life and health over me.  I know this baby is going to be a warrior already.  There was a fight already to get this far.  It's funny how my maternal role is already being used as I war in the spirit for my own baby.  I have no fear....I am victorious. 

It's funny how repeating these events makes me realize the spiritual significance behind all of this.  Well, I hear in my soul that "Satan comes like a theif in the night."  He tries to remain subtle...he tries to remain concealed. I pray the light of God would penetrate all darkness as the enemy is exposed.  He has no place in my home....no place...period.

I expectantly look towards my future with hope and faith in hand.  I won't let go.....He won't let go.  Thank God.