Rest

It's absolutely insane what my body and spirit have experienced within the last week.  I've experienced such joy and brokenness within this period of time.  I battle with writing this out, because I honestly don't know what this post will even look like at the end.

I've experienced my husband finally finding the right path to take in ministry.  He is beyond equipped and called into evangelism.  God told me I would marry an evangelist at YOUTH camp many years ago.  When I met Dustin, he began telling me more about himself through his calling to be an evangelist.  It's a miracle that we are right at the "welcome mat" of this arena of ministry considering we both had no idea what evangelism really meant.  It was one of those things God had to tell you to do because only He knew what you would be and become years later.

Just for us to get to this place in our lives, we have dealt with disappointment and regret and doubt along with many other things.  I've had to give up on opportunities that would have catapulted me into an area of ministry that I enjoy very much.  I've had to deal with the fact that I will no longer be as much of a part in people's lives that have meant the WORLD to me.  I've gone through territory that I never thought I would be in, such as giving up my career and being a full time mom.  Every day, I learn what this means and how much I have to learn.  God continues to trim off the fatty edges of my life....and it is most of the time so close to the meat of who I am that I gasp for air as I feel the control of my own life slipping through my fingers.  I'm often underestimated or misunderstood for my convictions that are more often than not too much for people to understand.

I'm sure the previous paragraph is choppy and all over the place, but as I write, I consistently see an image of young woman being prepared as though time is not on her side.  So often, I want the preparation and grooming roles to be MINE.  Where would I be if I were in charge?  Where would any of us be if we decided to cut our own hair or diagnose our own bodies?  Sometimes, I'm running around like a crazy woman when I should just sit down in the chair and let God groom me.  I want to sit in HIS chair.  I want to look like what he wants me to look like.  The beauty of this is that His finished product of me will always be the best.

So as much pain and separation I've had to endure, I'm okay sitting in Papa's chair.  His chair is FOR my good.  I have a promise to cling to when EVERYTHING else slips through my fingers.  The answers to my prayers aren't as important as I thought they were before.  The greatest prayer concerns we could ever have are ALREADY answered.  My name is in THE book.  His promises to me are to prosper me and He takes care of me and knows the number of hairs on my head.  I've never gone hungry or begged for bread.  His love has taken me to depths this body will never comprehend.  He saved me....so, I'll THANK him when my soul is weary and tired and my brain hurts from analyzing possible missed opportunities and relationships.

I'm standing in my faith and leaning on Jesus.