Not Mine to Start With

If I were to sit and use the blog as a journal to record all of what I have experienced as a pregnant woman, I am afraid I would begin to feel a bit of embarassment and shame.  I have had almost every symptom known to man along with my own natural tendancies to put way too much pressure on myself to measure up to whatever image of perfection that I have built up in my mind.

There have been days where I honestly didn't know myself.  I didn't know what I wanted or even who I was.  I specifically remember looking at a picture and bursting into tears.  I just couldn't get over the fact that I didn't even recognize the woman in the picture! I couldn't even remember what it felt like to be in a right frame of mind all of the time.  What did it feel like to only have to think of myself?  What did it feel like to have a zipper on my pants or to wear my wedding ring?  Most of all, what did it feel like for my husband to look at me without wondering what lines he could or could not cross.

So, all in all I have come to many low points with this pregnancy.  Thankfully, I serve a God that loves me so much that He made a way out for me. 

My church had an earth-shattering conference with Corey Russell a couple of weeks ago.  I was super excited about being there; however, my body was just limp with exhaustion.  I was so disappointed by the end because I felt like I got nothing out of it like I felt like I should have.  Thankfully, I returned the next weekend only to have found God's prescence stronger than I had ever felt.

As I laid on the floor during worship, God gave me a vision.  This is one of the only visions I have ever had where I heard God almost narrating what was happening.  To make a long story short, He showed me the beauty that was waiting to be uncovered for this pregnancy.  I saw a beautiful woman kneeling down to place her baby at the river.  This was the mother of Moses.  As she released him, I immediately turned into her and began to dance freely with such peace.

As you know, Moses's mother was an Israelite at the time of his birth.  She hid him for three months, but the pharoh's had orders to kill all male children.  In what must have seemed like a tragic situation with no options, she placed her baby at the edge of the river only for the pharaoh's daughter to eventually find him.  This was his only chance of survival.

God showed me that my only chance for survival was to lay this pregnancy and baby down at the river.  I closed my eyes and with everything within me, released this baby into the current of the Holy Spirit.  I don't want control over this.  It was God who gave her to me, it will be His kingdom to care for her. 

As I have pondered this mind-altering experience, I have found this to be such a lesson for anything we are battling.  Whatever it is, God wants us to lay it down to be found by Him.  He wants us to be able to dance in the face of the pharoh's orders.  He wants us joyful when life seems to be choked.  He wants us to experience fruit like that of Moses's life as we give it up.  If his mother had held on and chosen to fight, her son's fate would have surely been death.  It is the same for anything else.  Sometimes fighting isn't the answer.  Sometimes lettting go is.  Sometimes we go against the natural order of the promise.....Are we fighting because that's what we've done in the past? Are we doing what comes naturally or what makes us feel better?  He promises victory and peace; therefore, why are we so afraid and stubborn to let it go?....

Lastly, one of the most beautiful aspects of the story is that his mother had no idea that in letting go, she would be a huge part of delivering her people out of Egypt.  Her surrender would also lead to the parting of the Red Sea.  This inspires me to so to go for it all. I want to fight when it's time to fight, let go when it's time to let go, and stand when there is nothing left.  My heart's desire is to do this even when I don't have forseeable fruit beyond it.  If my surrender produces an uproar and mighty deliverance, so be it.  If my surrender produces nothing but a consecrated heart to Christ, then the effort is well spent.

My sweet Kindle Elisabeth will know her Maker.  She will know Him because she has been laid down at the foot of the river for God to raise.  Her middle name means, "my God is a promise".  I know there is no safer place for her.  Within my own grip, she is in danger.

I hope this has been effectively communicated as it is difficult to put into words the passions of your heart.  I know since this experience, my pregnancy has gone so smoothly.  I am calmer and I feel peace within my womb that I didn't always have.  I have traded ashes in for beauty at the direction of God.  I'm so glad He gives correction to me.  What love!?!