It's Where our Help Comes From

I have come to a place in my life where I find rest.  I'm certainly not meaning physical rest because being a mother of two girls under the age of two is well, CHALLENGING.  I'm referring to a place where my spirit begins to find direction.  It's a place where I feel like I have been on a Tilt-A-Whirl and have begun to get a feel for the ground and stabillity again!  It feels NICE! 

I'm beginning to find that my identity really is something beautiful and doesn't require me to pour out like I had originally thought.  I believed that in order for me to be of worth, I must be DOING DOING DOING....that somehow I would hear God more and look more presentable to Him if I had my hands in stuff.  I've always had this image of ministry and platforms when it came to my calling.  I'm so glad that I've gone through so much these past few years to find myself right here, right now.  If you would have asked me two years ago what I wanted to do, I would have given  you a long that included counseling and deliverance ministry.  Today, I can say that what I want from life is to just be a pleasure to be around...to be someone that is beneficial to know.  I want my inner circle of people to see the fire of God in my eyes and to hear joy in my laugh.

I hope that as I start to blog again, that I am able to send forth messages of encouragement for both you and me!  I find that my relationship with the Father has become something sweet and blissful...I find that just about everyone I come in contact with is a well-intentioned person seeking goodness.  I want to honor you in my words and reflect love to you.  I'm not afraid of what lies ahead as I become volnerable once again.  I've seen what happens when godly people erect walls in response to hurt and offense. The truth is that no one has control over someone else.  Jesus is my source for love and acceptance so I find a new bravery to love without restraint.
 
Sometimes I sit in my tub with my head against the wall trying to figure out what's the most important thing that I need to ask God for at that time because I'm so wiped out and drained mentally that I could never fully request all that I need.  I think of friends that need prayer. I think of people that are desperate and my beautiful daughters that have their entire lives ahead of them...so what do I ask?? How do I prioritize this mountain of needs so that this ten minutes of solitude can be fruitful?..  The answer is for me just to look up.  I need to look up to my Father and ask for my manna for today.  God is where my help comes from.  He knows everything.  What's going on is I need to sit back, rest in His love and seek His face to be more like Him.  He is love, and afterall, He has endured it all.

I've heard that when you take care of God's business, He takes care of your business.  Well, this may be true, but I know that His perfect plan is for us to yield to Him personally.  I forsake the mentality that I must do in order for Him to act on my behalf. As I wind this post down, I pray for each reader (probably like three people..haha) to find a place of rest...a place of trust with the Father.

I sense God asking, "Do you need help?...Look to me, you will find it."  I pray, in the name of Jesus, that each of us find the face of our Father in our time of need.  Whether it be help in finances or just to be a better mom and wife, I ask that we find our way by seeking Him first.  I ask that we phsyically feel a release of power and strength as we open our hands and hearts to just let go and trust.  I'm so thankful for all that has been made available to us through Jesus.

Colossians 1:19-20 - For it pleased the Father that in Him all the fullness should dwell, and by Him to reconcile all things to Himself, by Him, whether things on earth or things in heaven, having made peace through the blood of His cross. 

Psalms 37:40 - And the Lord shall help them and deliver them; He shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in Him.

Keep it Clean

As I was praying today, I felt the Holy Spirit guiding me through the dark places of my heart.  The places that embrace bitterness and unforgiveness as well as selfishness and want.

Here is my findings through prayer and meditation:

-It is vital for me to keep my wounds clean.  As with a wound to my physical body, I must provide attention to it.  It is prone to infection the more it is left unattended.  When those dark places in my heart are left unattended, they will become infected and won't heal....In some cases, infection can be deadly.  I can't imagine how many people have turned from faith because wounds left with flesh eating bacteria had gone unattended too long.

Lord, help me to keep my wounds clean.  Give me grace to scrub away the deadness and let your healing balm spread over my wounds without resistance.  I open myself to your care, trusting You to make me whole again.


-I need a taste for the beauty of Christ.  My faith will grow when I find The Treasure - God.  I believe I am left in want when I place my happiness in a new home or in material things or perhaps even in prestige.  Jesus came that we would come to know the Father.  When I find him, my tastes change and the things that I loved in darkness become stale and bland in comparison to the riches of God's perfect love in my life.

God, I place my whole life in your hands.  I seek Your presence first and foremost, knowing that the finest home and earthly riches would still leave me in want.  There is nothing that can fill the place in my heart that You inhabit.  I make it a priority to ensure that nothing tries invade that place in my life.


-I've been on a quest for wisdom for my family and me for a long while.  As I was praying, I thought of the ants and immediately went to Proverbs 30:25.  It says, "The ants are not a strong people, yet they prepare their meat in summer."  As I looked at this verse in commentaries and in it's context, I find that to prepare means for us to establish ourselves for the future.  In the Hebrew, it also says that meat refers to our bread.  I find it so enlightening to find that to be establish also refers to becoming respected in industry.

Thank You, God, that You gives us a healthy balance for the desires of our heart.  Even though I forsake this world's riches to follow You, I find wisdom through preparing and praying for our future.  I am believing for big things that Satan would easily want me to confuse with selfish wants and ambitions.  Through Your Word, I set it back up straight.  As we (Dustin and me) devote our lives to holiness, we ask for Your grace to establish us in this world but not of this world.  Thank You, for bringing balance and clarity to my heart.

FORGIVENESS

Father,

Did you see what he did and said about me?  He was full of accusation and spite.  Does it matter that I did everything to make it right and to remain objective?  Persecution seems to follow me and hides behind every corner.  Is this what our sinful nature makes of us?  For I was technically a part of the crowd that condemned you and crucified your Son.

What did Jesus do?.....He prayed for them and made a way for them to escape eternal damnation.  But that was Him and this is me.  This guy wronged me and discredited my name.  I can't just let him get away with it, can I?....

OK, this heart of stone I submit under the workings of the cross, trusting You will make it a heart of flesh...sensitive to my brother's current condition.

I imagine through this somehow my heart will connect with Your heart, just as Jesus' did.

I realize this isn't taking the high road....It is, in fact, a low road paved with the discomfort of self-sacrifice and self-denial!  It isn't comfortable or convenient, but through Your infinite graces, I know it leads to the BEST destination.

Vindication belongs to You, my Father, who takes great care of his kids.

-Amen

VENTING

Sometimes, I think my mind is just going to explode.  I just told a friend that for the first time in my life, I actually understand why people turn to drugs.  There have been days that do everything except just overtake my body.

Today, we finally received great news about Dustin's job situation.  He is officially an employee at Chase.  He will have awesome benefits and almost unlimited growth potential.  Wouldn't you know it, a leasing agent from my apartment complex corners me at the stairs and starts to yell at me.  She said, "YOU AGAIN?!"  I really couldn't believe what was happening.  My dogs were out and not on a leash, but I have never received previous warning or anything of that nature.  Not to mention, I live in the BACK of the complex with very little activity AND I had an infant and diaper bag on my hip.  I mean, really?

Sometimes, I wonder if there is a target on my forehead.  Sometimes, I wonder if God is trying to refine my character or trying to train me for something.  Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands up on having any hope at all on the human race.

Many of you know what I have been going through, which only compounds the episode that I experienced today.

I keep trying to tell myself that we had great news today..we had an excellent time with friends..and I have a wonderful family.  I am grateful for the good in my life.

I wonder if it is okay that I slowly begin to chat less and less to the clerks at Starbucks and suddenly look down passing a stranger rather than speak to them.?  I wonder if anyone has any moral fiber anymore.  I wonder what it is that I will do next that will cause someone else to pounce on me.  I wonder if this heightened sensitivity will last forever.  I wonder if I could really feel relief if I went through the PAIN of just expressing all of this to God.? I also wonder if the outgoing and bubbly "Jenna" will ever come back.? Is this part of growing up?.

Well, here I am venting out things that I feel can really only come out through writing.  Thanks for being there.  Whether it is just me who reads this or others that can possibly relate and feel an ounce of gratitude that he/she may not be the only one experiencing frustration.

So..at the end of this, I know ONE thing that I want.  I want to know how to stand up for myself the right way.  I'm tired of being the one everyone knows they can get something from.  My message is this....I AM NOT YOUR DOORMAT....I AM NOT YOUR OUTLET FOR YOUR BAD DAY....I AM NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH GAMES AND SILLINESS - SHOOT IT STRAIGHT OR MOVE ON.

Randomness

It has been so long since my last blog.  I really should do this more often.  It has been on of those seasons of my life that have been marked with pain and a desperate search for understanding.  I have learned so much during this time; yet, I find myself even more aware of how much I remain completely clueless.


I know I will look back on this season of my life and see God all over it.  I'm still just too close to all that has happened to really see the full fruit that has come from it.  I had someone call me today and encourage me and pray for me.  Through her prayer, I realized just how much I don't give myself credit.  I sacrifice so much to raise my baby at home and to be a homemaker for my husband.  The world seems to continuously harass me with the thought that my family is suffering because I haven't made sufficient plans.  


John Piper's status update on facebook the other day has stuck with me during this time. He said, "Grant me faith, O Lord, in all my calamities, never to count you as my enemy."  I have such trouble realizing that God isn't mad at me.  I'm far too critical of myself and daily have to remind myself that my relationship with God isn't based on my works.  Afterall, we have all fallen short.  We all deserve hell.

I am continuously learning more and more about being a mom and wife.  We have been studying the book, The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace at my church.  This book has been great so far.

As I continue to use every ounce of my faith just to stand each day, I feel hope when I remind myself of my dreams.  Hope deferred makes the heart sick.  I have really felt my heart become sick more times than I can count.  

DREAMS:

-To be an excellent wife and mother...to create and maintain a safe place for my family.  I want to be my husband's cheerleader.  I want my life to remind him of the promises God has spoken to him.

-To be in connection with godly people through church and personal relationships that encourage me, challenge me, and understand the path I have chosen and to play that role for them as well.

-To write and pray..two things I specifically feel that I have a gifting for.

-To walk beside my husband as he becomes the pastor I know he is called to be someday. 

Here are a few pictures that keep my world straight in the hardest times of my life.

Rest

It's absolutely insane what my body and spirit have experienced within the last week.  I've experienced such joy and brokenness within this period of time.  I battle with writing this out, because I honestly don't know what this post will even look like at the end.

I've experienced my husband finally finding the right path to take in ministry.  He is beyond equipped and called into evangelism.  God told me I would marry an evangelist at YOUTH camp many years ago.  When I met Dustin, he began telling me more about himself through his calling to be an evangelist.  It's a miracle that we are right at the "welcome mat" of this arena of ministry considering we both had no idea what evangelism really meant.  It was one of those things God had to tell you to do because only He knew what you would be and become years later.

Just for us to get to this place in our lives, we have dealt with disappointment and regret and doubt along with many other things.  I've had to give up on opportunities that would have catapulted me into an area of ministry that I enjoy very much.  I've had to deal with the fact that I will no longer be as much of a part in people's lives that have meant the WORLD to me.  I've gone through territory that I never thought I would be in, such as giving up my career and being a full time mom.  Every day, I learn what this means and how much I have to learn.  God continues to trim off the fatty edges of my life....and it is most of the time so close to the meat of who I am that I gasp for air as I feel the control of my own life slipping through my fingers.  I'm often underestimated or misunderstood for my convictions that are more often than not too much for people to understand.

I'm sure the previous paragraph is choppy and all over the place, but as I write, I consistently see an image of young woman being prepared as though time is not on her side.  So often, I want the preparation and grooming roles to be MINE.  Where would I be if I were in charge?  Where would any of us be if we decided to cut our own hair or diagnose our own bodies?  Sometimes, I'm running around like a crazy woman when I should just sit down in the chair and let God groom me.  I want to sit in HIS chair.  I want to look like what he wants me to look like.  The beauty of this is that His finished product of me will always be the best.

So as much pain and separation I've had to endure, I'm okay sitting in Papa's chair.  His chair is FOR my good.  I have a promise to cling to when EVERYTHING else slips through my fingers.  The answers to my prayers aren't as important as I thought they were before.  The greatest prayer concerns we could ever have are ALREADY answered.  My name is in THE book.  His promises to me are to prosper me and He takes care of me and knows the number of hairs on my head.  I've never gone hungry or begged for bread.  His love has taken me to depths this body will never comprehend.  He saved me....so, I'll THANK him when my soul is weary and tired and my brain hurts from analyzing possible missed opportunities and relationships.

I'm standing in my faith and leaning on Jesus.

CANCER

It's been such a long time since I have had the time and/or the energy to blog.  I can hardly remember what life was like  before having Kindle Elisabeth!  Anywho, I have something flaming on the inside of me that has to get out.

The other night, I walked outside on my patio to watch a lightning storm.  It was so beautiful!  While I was outside, God began breaking me for each of the women that I have come across that have cancer.  These precious women have been reached through the ministry that I am involved with called The White Rose Movement. If you aren't a fan of their page on facebook, I highly recommend it.

Anyways, God began putting these courageous women on my heart.  As I began praying against this devastating disease, God began to show me that there is a cancer that is more widespread and even deadlier than the kind these women are facing.  I have neighbors and loved ones that have this cancer in their spirit.  There is a disease spreading with each passing moment and most people who have it are not even aware or diagnosed.  This type of cancer is WILLFUL separation from God.  Willful separation spreads through the soul and devours a person from the inside out....eternally.

After God began to show me His view of this, my burden for these women was a little lighter as God has become their Savior.  What can man or disease do to a soul that will have an eternal reward with Jesus.  Don't get me wrong,  I am not underestimating that severity of cancer of the body.

My point is that I walked outside to find a burden for these ladies battling a disease of the body.  I walked inside with a burden for countless people being consumed by a disease of the soul.  The true tragedy here is that there is a cure for the second condition.  His name is Jesus and He is passionately awaiting them as His touch can make them whole.  If God can save a soul through His son, isn't that the greatest healing of all?...Then why do I find myself so faithLESS sometimes when it comes to  healing for those battling an illness? 

I still pray for these beautiful women as they face the battle of their earthly lives. They continue to follow Jesus and have such a hopeful outlook on the future. Please pray for them as you feel lead.

Thank you for hearing my heart tonight.